I got to enjoy a five day weekend that I am now wrapping up. I lost my voice and had to take three days off in addition to my regular two day weekend. Since I really wasn't feeling ill just sounding it... I got to spend a lot of time with my babies and hubby. We got a lot done but we also spent some time together just doing nothing (which happens to be one of my favorites).
I had a nice lunch with my grandma on Friday and we discussed my family moving back in with her until we get a house. We are pretty sure we are going to take her up on that so we should be moving in about six weeks. Then today we got to go to a birthday party for my niece Caydance. It was fun but sad she was so miserably sick she just seemed like she would rather take a nap then open her presents!
I had a really rough day with Tukker today. I keep thinking more and more that I am doing something terribly wrong with her. She is so mean and violent to everyone. Sometimes I think she hates me. The hardest part for me is that no one gets to see the sweet beautiful side of her that we get to see at home at least briefly everyday. One of my fears was assured today when my Nana walked in to the party and said "Tukker give me a hug." and Tukker said "NO!" When I said "sorry she is being mean today" Nana replied "Isn't she mean everyday?" That is something I always imagined people were thinking but no one has ever actually said it to me before.
It makes me so sad. I don't want to have the 'mean' kid. The one that no one wants to babysit or let come to visit. The one that the other kids avoid... I'm sad for her and for me. I have watched My mom and Emily struggle to get along or have a relationship for years and I always think to myself how it shouldn't be that hard to fix it if you really want to but IT IS. It breaks my heart that my daughter and I don't get along and I want so bad for it to change but I just don't seem to know how to change it! I was obviously given a difficult child for a reason. I must be meant to learn something from the challenge but when am I going to learn the lesson so we can be friends? I don't want to spend the first fifteen years at each others throats then finally become friends only to have her move out a couple years later. I just feel like I am missing out on being her mom and getting to know and enjoy her. I love her so much, why doesn't it feel like she likes me?
Being honest with myself I know its not just me. She is fiesty and difficult and a bit of a bully to everyone but it is just hard that I don't have enough of a mother-child bond with her to help her be a happier child.